 |
PDF 1.41mb 65 pgs |
Science - Critique
View Edited | View Unedited | Back To Main Table
Your essay contains excellent information about your pharmaceutical work experience, specific academic interests, and extracurricular activities. You also provide a reason why you want to pursue your studies at a British university. By providing substantial insight into your non-academic interests and personality, this essay presents you as a complete person. The admissions committee will certainly appreciate this aspect of your application.
During my editing, I focused on improving sentences structures, organisation and word choice. The original essay did not contain a sufficiently compelling introduction, a fully effective organisation and a varied sentence structure and vocabulary. For example, your introduction begins with vague phrases such as "greater scope for personal input" and "focus to a far greater extent on my professional aspirations". I substituted specific, active voice language to compel the reader to read on. I also cut out extraneous wording in your sentences, improving the freshness and conciseness of your language. One particularly helpful change involved transitions: I focused on altering your topic sentences so that the essay progressed more smoothly from one idea to the next.
Here is a paragraph-by-paragraph analysis of my editing:
Paragraph 1
I restructured the essay so that it begins with a dynamic, actively worded sentence: "After completing my A-level studies, I wanted serious exposure to hands-on science". Many phrases in this paragraph were too vague to be useful; for example, how did the pharmaceutical work "greatly enhance your perspective"? Remember an extremely valuable rule: "Show, don't tell". It is far better to provide specific examples of your learning experience than to say only that you gained perspective. I increased the specificity of your language but check out my information to ensure that it accurately represents your experiences.
I also focused on increasing the variety of sentence structures in this paragraph. The original had awkward constructions: "Biochemistry is the course..." "This will allow…" A more sophisticated sentence structure would greatly improve flow. In addition, you have a run-on sentence: "During my gap-year I worked for a pharmaceutical company, I had the opportunity to work closely…"
Paragraph 2
Your original topic sentence lacked an effective transition from the previous paragraph: "Throughout high school, I have explored my interests, especially in dance and music". By adding an extra phrase, I can tie the sentence directly to your pursuit of science. The new sentence is as follows: "Throughout high school, my extracurricular activities have sharpened skills I will need in my biochemistry course-even if the activities often involved dance and music rather than science". Do you see how the addition greatly improves the relevance of this paragraph to your academic ambitions?
Paragraph 3
This paragraph needed rewording because your reasons for studying in England were weakly worded. You shouldn't only say, "I want to absorb different cultures". You should provide more of an emphasis on England. I did this by rearranging the sentences so that England took on a greater focus. Note also that I provided a sentence that contains strong enough language to provide closure and leave the reader satisfied with your enthusiasm and determination.
If you have the time and desire to improve further, you can add a bit of detail about your specific extracurricular activities and provide a specific reason or two that further illustrates why you want to study in England.
These are only suggestions for change, however. The revised essay is clear, concise and thorough, with effective transitions, strong wording and a solid organisation. It has a compelling introduction and a dynamic concluding statement. You have a personal statement that does an excellent job in presenting your goals, values and interests and it should make a wonderful impression on the admissions committee.
